Mind Your Language!
by Quillpens
Summary: A few days after the Battle, Loki is stuck with the Avengers and is treating everyone like crap, including Jarvis. When Jarvis can't take the abuse any longer, he goes off. What does an AI have to say to a God to get him to behave? T for safety.


Authors Note: I'm on a crack fic high! WHOOOOOOOO! *runs around the library screaming out the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody*

The day after the Battle, just as Thor was about to take Loki back to Asgard, Odin decided that Thor and Loki should stay on Midgard until the mess he made was cleaned up. For the occupants of Stark Tower, that meant that they had to share a living space with Loki for however long it took them to clean up the city. On the fourth night, everyone had had just about enough of Loki's damned Silver Tongue and that included Jarvis. The poor AI just couldn't take it anymore and proceeded to do something that no one had ever thought possible. Jarvis got into an argument with Loki.

"Sir, the other Avengers appear to be waiting on you so that they may start eating their dinner. They are in the kitchen and appear to be quite annoyed with the fact that you have not come out of your room since this afternoon." Jarvis said quietly into Loki's room.

Loki glanced up at the ceiling and growled. "I want nothing to do with them. Tell them that they may eat without me and stop talking to me you pathetic excuse for intelligence!"

If Jarvis could have growled as Loki had, he would've at that moment. Instead, Jarvis used another tactic. "Comme vous le souhaitez, excuse pathétique pour un Dieu."

Loki's jaw dropped and he stared up at the ceiling with an incredulous look on his face. "Vous ne me parlerez pas de cette manière!" Loki yelled back. Jarvis whirred sounding ever so slightly like a growl.

Loki felt his Jotun ways take over and he punched the wall.

Jarvis scoffed, "¡Usted no merece nada, payaso idiota! ¡Lo único que se merece es pasar el resto de sus días encerrado en una cárcel!"

In the kitchen, Natasha perked her head up and ever so slightly leaned to the left to help pick up on the voices. Clint saw her do this and gave her a questioning look. The rest of the Avengers, upon seeing what Clint had done, followed suit. Steve was the first to speak up. "What is it Widow? What do you hear?"

Slowly, a small smile crept over Nat's face and she got up. "Come on guys. Let's go listen to the show. Confused, everyone followed.

Loki crossed his arms and sat down angrily on his bed. "¡Usted merece que lo desinstalen!" he whispered in a soft, deadly voice.

Jarvis couldn't contain himself and began yelling, "I most certainly do not!"

The male Avengers that stood outside Loki's bedroom door looked downright confused, but Nat, who understood every word, was now blushing and smiling like she was trying to hold back an insane amount of laughter.

Tony, who couldn't take anymore, was just about to ask her what the hell was going on, when she shushed him and told him to listen. Jarvis was yelling again. "Вы, без сомнения, самый мерзкий, испорченный мальчишка эгоистичны, что я когда-либо встречал в том числе и моего Творца!"

Natasha was surprised to hear her first language being spoken so clearly and she couldn't hold back any longer, she burst out laughing, causing the guys to look at her wide eyed in shock. Tony waited for her to get her wits about her before yelling himself. "What the hell are they saying?"

Steve glanced at Clint and they smirked at each other. Steve bent down and whispered in Clint's ear. "Fifty bucks and a week as my personal slave, says Jarvis is telling Loki off for being a dick." Clint, who could never pass up a bet, took Steve's hand and shook it. "Deal."

Nat wiped the tears of laughter off her face and did her best to calm down her breathing and talk, but she couldn't stop giggling every few moments as she spoke. "Jarvis just called Loki a selfish, spoiled brat, even more of one than you are."

At that, everyone smirked and chuckled but Tony. He rolled his eyes to the ceiling and called out. "Jarvis, stop arguing with the idiot God. As funny as it may be, you're wasting your energy."

Thor was the next to chime in. Loki! Get your stupid ass out here and eat before I get angry and bust down your bedroom door! This is ridiculous and we're hungry!"

Jarvis didn't stop though and proceeded with his rant, telling Loki that the only thing special about him was that he could do magic tricks. Loki ignored the yelling from outside his door and only focused on the yelling inside the room. He huffed at Jarvis for that last bite at him and suddenly spoke in a quiet, sad voice. "I am not spoiled! If I were, this would have never happened! I would have gotten the attention I've been craving since early childhood! I would still have Thor to myself and I would still be loved!"

If Jarvis could have gasped in shock, he was sure that he would have. Yelling as loudly as he could, he went off again. "YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THIS ENTIRE WAR WAS ONLY BECAUSE YOU HAVE DADDY ISSUES AND SIBLING RIVALRY? OH THAT'S JUST CLASSIC! YOU ARE PATHETIC LOKI! YOU MAY CALL YOURSELF A GOD BUT YOU ARE NO DIFFERENT THAN THE MORTALS THAT YOU WISH TO RULE! YOU'RE. AN. IDIOT! NOW STOP MOPING AND WHINING LIKE A CHILD AND GO OUT AND TALK TO YOUR BROTHER AND PARENTS! AFTER YOU JOIN THE REST OF THE TEAM FOR DINNER, YOU'VE KEPT THEM WAITING LONG ENOUGH! NOW GET OUT! GO!"

At the end of the rant, Loki felt the temperature in his room heat up to a very high temperature and Loki felt his throat constrict and chest tighten. He ran across the room and ripped the door open, stumbled out into the cold hall and gasped for breath. To his horror it was Thor that had caught him before he hit the ground and Thor waited all but two seconds after Loki had his breathing back to normal before wrapping him in a bone crushing hug. "My brother I have been worried! Why did you not tell me how you felt before this mess! So much could have been avoided!"

Loki, who couldn't breathe yet again, dared not speak until Thor let him go and put him back on the ground. "I should like to speak to Frigga and Odin before my sentencing, Thor. If that is not too much trouble." Loki whispered out. Thor nodded and smiled before clapping Loki on the back. "Of course dear brother. Now, come. Let us feast before the Man of Iron decides that we are no longer welcome in his home!"

Loki, feeling downright defeated, did as he was told and made his way to the kitchen where he saw Clint exchanging Midgardian money with Steve. "What is that for?" Loki asked. Steve smirked and glanced at Tony. "He lost the bet." Directing his gaze back to Clint, he spoke under his breath in a highly sexual tone. "Your week starts tomorrow, Bird Boy. Be ready."

Loki heard but didn't ask and Tony looked up at the ceiling, directing his next words to Jarvis. "Thank you for getting the prat out of the room! Can we eat now?"

The group laughed and Loki allowed himself a small smile before grabbing a plate and digging into the massive amount of Chinese food set out on the counter.

*Authors Note Continued*: I know, I know. It got a little serious to be considered a crack fic but oh well! I hope you enjoyed it!

Translations :

"Comme vous le souhaitez, excuse pathétique pour un Dieu" - "As you wish, you pathetic excuse for a God"

"Vous ne me parlerez pas de cette manière". - "You will not speak to me in such a manner"

"¡Usted no merece nada, payaso idiota! ¡Lo único que se merece es pasar el resto de sus días encerrado en una cárcel! - "You don't deserve anything, you idiotic clown! All you deserve is to be put in jail for the rest of your days!"

"¡Usted merece que lo desinstalen!" - "You deserve to be dimantled!"

Вы, без сомнения, самый мерзкий, испорченный мальчишка эгоистичны, что я когда-либо встречал в том числе и моего Творца!" : You are, without doubt, the most vile, selfish spoiled boy I've ever seen, including my Creator! "


End file.
